1/10

Folks, I have a new nomination for one of the worst movies of the decade just gone ... King Arthur (2004)

When I sat down to vegetate on the couch last night I was pleased to see what I thought would be a good mini epic full of silly but entertaining Arthurian legend action. Methinks I was wrong.

After half an hour they just seem to slosh around on foot or on horseback in mud and rain, then nothing happens. I flip channels over to the equally boring but more colourful New Years Day Vienna Concert. I flip back and the knights are still running around in the rain and nothing has happened yet, except that everything seems to be filmed though a blue filter. Even though I can see blue sky, everything is tinted blue and it’s always snowing. There are a few battle scenes, but they are all bloodless, like they were trying for a G rating, everyone strategically blocks the scene just as the hacking and chopping begin. After another trip to Vienna I return to find nothing has happened yet, just more arguing in the blue rain.

By now I notice that the initially wooden acting isn’t getting any better, and Clive Owen (who is an experienced and respected actor) seems to be reading his lines off an autocue behind the camera, perhaps waiting for the thing to end so he can get paid. The other actors just swagger around a lot and bark out their corny dialogue like they’re in an expensive high school production.

As a fan of the Arthurian legends, I kept waiting and waiting for it to “come together” and we’d see the familiar round table and characters we know, but it sure is dragging out, and by now I think this movie storyline will never converge with the legends, and that was the only reason I was watching. This is some fabricated nonsense plot. Now I notice that Keira Knightly has arrived and has transformed from a broken-boned half-dead victim into a death dealing Aeon Flux who runs across the battlefields like she’s late for her job as the leather-clad receptionist at an S&M dungeon.

Then I notice that the SCCHHIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG sound effects of swords being drawn from scabbards is getting really monotonous and irritating. We must hear this sound a thousand times in the movie until it’s as irritating as a car alarm. I’m incredulous of the widespread use of fire-throwing trebuchets and crossbows in that era. I’m also confused about who’s fighting who, they all look the same and frankly I don’t really care who they are. Characters from Rome have Italian accents. Where’s Merlin? Perhaps his character will have some life to it ... but I can’t even tell which character he is. I kept waiting for Hobbits and Orcs to ride into the scenes, and I even wished the Monty Python team would make an appearance with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

So in summary, this movie is BORING BORING BORING ... the music is corny, the plot is stupid and insulting to Arthurian fans, the characters are lifeless, the dialogue is wooden, the cinematography is bland and monotonous, the action is dumbed-down and it’s a mashup of historical nonsense. But worst of all, it’s BORING.

Cheers,
Greg

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